Day: N-1

So why did i do it? Ofcourse, I couldnt have done it without a reason..a reason good enough to be expressed and understood. It has to be a well thought out plan for the next 20 years which has made me do it. If not, then i have to be one of those non descript character actors, whose introduction scene includes him making a fool of himself to symbolise who the smartest is; the hero. A sacrificial lamb of a caricature. As fictional as it can ever get.

(Right now, the thought should get me yelling a huh, but i yawn)

I, you, he and she think so. But naturally, we would. We say we love the 'then' and not the 'now'. Living in the now, has always been underrated. And living in the 'then' has got my peace whacked out. I realise it is in its poisonous best, when we arent conscious about it.

Why did i do it? I did it because my reason was the 'now' and not the 'then'. A pleasant change of perspective. I realise it today. Its been quite some time. Among my scrap, i discovered a few words scribbled a day before i decided to act. A picture you look at after ages, you wouldnt have imagined how indispensable it is in capturing a moment, while clicking it. It gets precious with age...These words were random marks with ink before my senses, desperate for an order, gifted them meaning today. So here it goes...Day N-1:

Let me put this upright. Its quite an effort to pick up a paper and a pad to scribble this pointless crap. But i am alone and i do it because i have nothing else to get myself mindlessly engaged in. I have always viewed my alone time as an experiment room for the most sophisticated forms of human recreation, at times bordering on intellectual stimulation. Its a thin line. Sadly without exception, I end up on the line. Needless to say, I recollect never ever having a takeaway.

I thought void space was my mistress. All i needed from it was a quickie. And then back to civilisation. I could be my clumsy self with her. She would look at me, pretend nothing had happened (must admit quite proficiently) and get on with it. I liked it that way. I am ashamed of it though.

But of late, I fear to have fallen in love with her. I dont want to thrive in it. The feeling is wierd. What would people say. Wierdo got wierder. It cant get worse. My open embrace for this self love has made me appear wierder. And now i cant do without her. She used to come by the night. But now, I get uncomfortable if i dont meet her in the day as well. I do not want to see her no more. Thats how it shouldnt be and I will disrupt the inertia in my state to thrive.

Words

Words, which do not have twins but decently close cousins in different languages. Words, arrogant creatures who talk only to those who understand them. Words, the fluid which allows itself to be changed into any form the arrangement decides to take. Words, the dynamo with infinite efficiency getting mechanical energy out of nowhere. Words, irreplaceable.

Words, which do not like to be emitted in any form other than their dictionary identities. But then Words, making one wonder if they could ever be emitted in the same way each time. Words, too free spirited for ownership.

Words, the baggage carried in communication. Words, to make or break your shot at social acceptance. Words, more popular than ideas in my classroom. Words, which mean nothing to him. Also Words, which make him judge you unfairly. And then words, which obstruct ideas from light. Words, narrowing the receivers view. Words, the love of my teachers. Words, the arranged lover of my life. Yet Words, the reins of whom I could never hold with poise . Words, drugging me to blindness.

Words, which mean nothing without inspired souls. Words, which cant sustain action for long. Words, which can communicate but not express. How I wish Words, they do not exist.

Wall Fall

It is November 11th. Isn’t the 9th. I would have preferred it if I had written on the 9th. But, I am too full of myself to write about a happening, which is not remotely mine. Bu today, its me; the wall plays the sidekick.

The fall of Berlin wall, in popular history, is viewed as the ultimate symbol of the triumph of human freedom and brotherhood. The story goes like this – East Germany vs West Germany; Capitalists vs Communists; Economic crisis in East Germany; Rise of moderates in Russia and the East German Side; and the wall ceases to exist. Also, missed the (in) famous declaration made on the previous night by a governing member of the East German order.

Zoom in; during the wall days, people from East Germany had attempted to sneak into the other side for better jobs, soap operas and so on. Some managed, some didn’t. The ones who didn’t make it faced the ‘game over’, from the guards in the most innovative ways.

And then one day, the gate ceased to exist. Symbolically, on November 9th and a few more days to make it a physical reality. To think of it, what did it result in? The cold war ended and the world order changed. That’s big. But on the day, no blood and no sweat; just a peaceful walk to the other side with huge relaxed smiles everywhere. Now that’s unusually interesting!

What if the guards had fired a shot or two at the gate crashers; naively believing that they could be scared away. Just a few more ‘game overs’ as dutiful guards. Why didn’t they do it? Probably they thought it was inevitable and they acknowledged their helplessness. Probably they were keen to catch the evening show on the other side. Or probably they believed it was their ‘right’ thing to do. Whatever the reason, the guards, on that fateful day, decided to call the shots, regardless of the context they were surrounded with and in the absence of orders from the higher order. And the context; imposing it was; political ideology & military prowess at stake. Instead of being the ones who would have started the fire, they let the people pass. As if they were masters of the wall. In the process, making the process bloodshed free and smooth.

Now, this is not the whole triumph thing of dharma over Karma. What I take out of it is purely actionable.

When the human decides to act independent of the context, the end result is the most desirable. For me, this is what the wall fall signifies.

Key

It is a green key; I find it beautiful. Always? ofcourse not, nothing can be beautiful for ever; not even a lifeless piece of metal. But I stick on because I dont have any other Key. One fateful day, I find a red key. I wasnt looking for it though. I found it on marsh land. I walk slowly towards it to get it. I watch my step. You see i do not want to have a clumsy fall. I have never had one but the cynic in me has always felt i will. Anyway, I get my hands on it. I am all happy and i dream about the doors it will open. But, i really do not want to think about it.

Good people should like keys for how beautiful they are and not the doors they open.

I am in conscious love with the red. I am not looking at the flaws, which to my besotted eyes, arent many. I keep it on my desk all day. I know i lose interest easily and take pains that it wouldnt happen this time. Everything will be great and i would be deserving of the key. Its there everyday morning. I think i should find its door now. I wait for the morning next day. its already late in the night. But its always been late in the night. It has to be done NOW. I get up hurriedly in my boxers. I havent washed myself. I move towards my desk. i jiggle the litter on it around. To find it. It is there alright. It has got a scratch. I try to rub it off. Not working. I am supposed to love it unconditionally. Ok with it.
I lift it. It is not the same one. I find a filmy letter beside it. The key is gone with its owner. Turns out he was the rude guy next door. Keys can make such mistakes. They open doors to undeserving clowns. I think all keys do. But the strange inevitable part is it is my mistake. People pity my door-less-ness. I miss the key though.

Why the broker?

A look at these scruffy guitarists - the wow creature; and you know the world is lop sided. A finger here, there and here. They get most of everything. I wish i knew a skill and i am not talking about the logical ability, quantitative potential, analytical strength - those alcoholic elder brothers of the king, who never made it; a 'real' one which shows me a narrow inflexible but clear direction where it all would end one day. This constant flux of possibilities has got to me. Earlier, i called it my eagerness to survive; but after 1394049305900 of them turning out to be dampeners, i say enough.

But suppose, i become the wow creature; and suppose the world thinks that the sun rises from my ass every morning, then the divine force would say (ofcourse in the dreams, thats how it always happens; i guess because we are too sane to realise about such things when we are awake) 'here you are, now stop complaining'. Well maybe, i would stop complaining....for a month. But then the Indian woman who got dirty with the uncomfortably good looking Italian Plumber on her 1 month holiday, eventually realises she dint quite like the smell of the leaking taps. I start looking for other what ifs; BECAUSE all of these 'what ifs' have different 'thens'. ?.

So here i am, giving air to all these what ifs. The doors are never closed for me. This amazing sea of role plays i indulge in has been allowed by the 2 year life changing, soul cleansing, character building, personality shaping adventure i wrestled to get noticed in. So, i decide to play broker in day light. I humbly accept the the flux as a way of life. Though, I am working on the aspect of showering respect and obeying the Flux god through my actions. That will kill the oxymoron - an Indian guitarist who actually made money.

DEV DEE

I have always hated the inevitable fact that popular characters get transformed into, as in our marketing zubaan, generic names. So, Mr Devdas becomes the epitome of failed love and Mr chaplin the machine churning out slapstick jokes endlessly and mechanically. We chose to ignore the various layers portrayed by the brilliance of this characters. This is exactly where the movie chooses to differ and excels as a result.

(1) Devdas, as much as i know from my limited knowledge of shahrukh's and dilip kumar's man, is pained. But he chooses to cause self harm and thats what is interesting about him. Though the most noticeable quality, this is not what defines him. I feel he is a man who throughout his life wants to beat the ass out of his indecisiveness and his momentary lapse of sanity when he loses paro. This is a situation and not an individual's quality. (An afterthough: The best stories come out of situations and not individuals). DevD builds on this by negating the man's seeming tendency to self infict. Jus one of the many instances to prove this, he gives it back to the servant who claims to have romanced Paro. Thats a shock to the Devdas we know. But to think of it, it clearly defines the context without any cinematic aberrations.

(2) Another interesting thing is the way the characters are projected. When the stakes are low (like at home, with spouse etc.), one gets to know the real person (courtesy: an interesting management seminar). So. on a subconscious level, when a character is shown behaving in a low stakes situation, it is more believable and clear. But, it is totally against the cinema that we have seen from our growing days. Hero introduced in a concert never mind he holds the guitar like a lolly pop. But here, dev tries his shades irreverently in a showroom, throws money at the pimp, takes a case of bottles back to his home without any hysterical crap. These uneventful captures define him in a much more effective manner. Its to the point and crystal clear.

And what do i think of the movie? i think it is gud enuf to excuse the director for his indulgent magnum opus 'No smoking'.

Demons

I wanna Play
I really wanna
You think otherwise
That’s y I wanna play
I put my head to it
My back gets droopy
I pick it up
My eyes get sleepy
It s the analgesic
I take a walk
I am still playing
But there s this thing
I can do nuthin about
I have got my nails on the string

They r mine yea they r mine
They keep growing back
Of course I care
I think I can be better
The next time around
By the way
They are still hanging on